Point #12 – This is how the parents help the Kid. The Kid is where he is. Mom and Dad want more than anything to see positive change. The thing they control, the very powerful ability they have to influence the outcome, is all about them. It is not even about the Kid. It is about cleaning up their own deep feelings, judgments, beliefs, and emotions. From this place, the best possible support, encouragement, thoughts, and actions will arise.

Point #13 – This is not about covering up. I need to be really clear about this. I am not talking about some self-help mentality that says put on a smiley face or be strong around the Kid. Quite the opposite. We cannot read enough self-help books to cover up what is truly inside ourselves. We cannot tape enough mantras to the mirror. This is not about faking it. This is a life-changing personal paradigm shift.

Point #14 – Parent relief. So far, I have focused on how the parents can be there most powerfully for the Kid. How about being there for themselves? This part of their lives has been pretty rough for the last dozen years. Do they want that? Of course not. Do they have to continue to suffer? Absolutely not. They can very quickly begin to shift the way they feel in a positive direction. Not covering up. Changing fundamentally. It starts immediately, and it all depends on the parents’ openness and willingness.

Point #15 – What happens next? Having coached the parents fairly intensely, I asked for a conversation with the Kid. I come from a place of possibility. I can see the picture. I know that things can change on a dime. I just need to have that conversation with him.

Point #16 – The Kid’s reluctance. Not surprisingly, when Dad called the Kid, he was not keen on talking with some stranger. I think he said something to the effect of “I know what he’s going to do”. “He is going to ask me where I want to be in five years”, etc. etc. Well, there are a few points I need to make. 1) I expect the Kid to be reluctant. 2) The Kid has had other experiences that didn’t seem to work. And, 3) he has no idea what I am going to say or do. It is not what he expects.

Point #17 – Act boldly. Acting boldly sometimes takes deliberate effort. When the Kid came back with a weak maybe, I asked Dad to act boldly. I was asking him to make this call happen. He did, and the Kid and I have it on our calendars.

Point #18 – There is nothing wrong here. I don’t see the Kid as broken. I don’t see the situation as bad or wrong. I don’t see mistakes, anywhere on the timeline. I see a fact pattern as it exists today. I understand we all are on our own journey. And that some of those involve lots and lots of learning experiences. (Mine sure has.) I accept the Kid and his journey simply as what they are. How can we know how wonderful the next 10, 20, 50 years will be? How do we know how the Kid’s future may have been positively shaped by his struggles and life events in his 30s?

Point #2 – Everything out there is out there. We can’t control anything external to us. That includes everything from the Kid to getting a flat tire. External events and circumstances simply are what they are. That doesn’t mean we have to like them. That doesn’t mean there’s nothing we can do about them.

Point #3 – We control what is in here. Our own internal being is our dominion. We have the ability to change our beliefs and our way of thinking. Thereby changing the emotional outcomes. Moreover, changing the external circumstances we so desperately want to be different. We can’t control what’s outside of ourselves. But, we can definitely influence that realm.

Point #4 – Acceptance is the key. What if Mom and Dad could accept the Kid and everything that has developed in his life? (Again, they don’t have to like it.) Imagine if they were magically able to get completely clear inside. No judgment against themselves, each other, the Kid, or anything else. No judging the past. No comparing to others. No fear, hurt, despair.

Point #5 – What is left? Love. If all of the negativity – the capacity for that negativity – was simply gone. All that is left is pure love for the Kid. There is way more than enough love there already. The parents are just handicapped by their pain and internal baggage.

Point #6 – That can’t just magically happen. I get that it is easy to say “What if Mom and Dad were all clear and only full of love inside.” Getting there is a process. It takes some time. It is achievable. In the short-term, they can do their best.

Point #7 – This is much bigger. This set of new skills, this way of being, applies to our entire lives. Imagine losing the capacity for upset! And, living life from that place, in that way. Do we suppose that might open capacity for infinitely more peace and joy?

Point #8 – We don’t have to like it. I like to use a head and heart analogy to explain. When I say acceptance, think of that as the heart. Think of the hurt we do to ourselves by setting up right and wrong rules deep within. Rules that say “If my children don’t prosper, I must’ve been a bad parent”. Or, “If the Kid doesn’t have a job, he is never going to amount to anything.” The list of the lies we buy into is endless. There is nothing like a struggling child to bring it all to the surface. In all its rawness and pain.

Point #9 – I still evaluate and take action. Evaluate from a place free of the baggage. Think of those internal right/ wrong judgments as only harmful. Once removed, from that place of clear love, we evaluate intellectually and clearly.

Reason to be Excited

The Kid can change his life, right now. I haven’t even met him, and I believe strongly in his possibilities. I have seen the change up close, real life, enough times to know. This is a time to be excited.

The people I meet are already successful. Yet, they are looking for their next success. Something even better. A more rewarding career, business transition, less stress, more fun, whatever it is. That that next success almost always includes happy, prosperous, and fulfilled children.

This is one of the most powerful blogs I’ve ever written. I feel it because it can touch so many. This is the story. The coaching. The hope, and the possibility. This story is not from his and his Parents’ beginning. Most of that is irrelevant. This is from the beginning! This is happening right now.

The Facts

A good family – Financially successful, 30- year marriage, good home, good schools, close relationships, all the right pieces in place. Nothing broken.

A loving father – Not unlike a lot of us. He loves his children and his wife. He has done everything he knows to be a good father and provider. The Kid has been a challenge. Dad went through a period of the thoughts and emotions we might expect. Anger, expectations failed, judging, all the rest. Why doesn’t the Kid just stand up and get a job? Why can’t he move himself forward? Over the years, his emotions have mellowed. He just wants the Kid to get himself fixed.

Loving mother – Whereas Dad has carried the frustration and “just snap out of it and get a job” belief set, Mom’s experience has been a little different. Mom is “the Mom”. Hers is more hurt. He is her baby. She wants more than anything for him to succeed in his life. She would do anything to help him get better.

The Kid – I have a good sense for him, from his parents and having seen many in similar circumstances. He is lost. He has no confidence. He has no sense of where he wants to go. Everything about him, within him, and around him, tells him he is a loser. He is a failure. I say none of that as a criticism. I’m describing what he may be feeling inside. I have no judgments at all.

I only know a few of you

Generalizing is tricky, and probably pretty useless in the first place. So, I will write this from the perspective of what I do know about people. About myself and others. I work with clients who are your age, and those of your parents’ generation. The short story is that we have all managed to get in our own way. A lot of what I have to say is about getting out of your own way.

What does “getting in your own way” mean?

Let’s say you have taken on some belief that competes with what you would really like to do, have, and be in the world. Say you are in your mid-thirties and are disappointed in yourself. Disappointed in where you are and what you have created. Let’s say you are having a conversation with yourself that goes something like “I have let so much time go by. Here I am in my 30s, and half my life is over. I can never catch up. I can never figure this out and create something that is going to make me smile every day. Why try?”

Two points. That particular conversation is anything but far-fetched. There are a thousand different limiting conversations being played by millions of people every day. Conversations of this type are squarely in the way. They stand between you and what you want.

Don’t judge yourself

Parents want me to talk to their young adult children. The parents are all torn up about the direction of their child’s life. I don’t minimize that. They are hurt and worried, and that is very real. Their feelings are out of pure love. But I say something like “I can’t wait to talk with (him or her). This may be the first conversation he’s ever had with someone who doesn’t think anything is wrong.” I don’t judge whatever is going on with you as wrong. Neither should you.

The question is really simple

Do you want something different than you have now? I can think of a 30-year-old with a professional career. He was looking at changing jobs. He wasn’t sure what he really wanted to be doing in his career. And, he had quite a collection of “rocks in his backpack”. Those are beliefs, judgments, interpretations of his experiences and circumstances, and other such barriers that are never going to serve him. I remember saying something to him like “Bottom line is, you’re confused.” He replied, “Hell yes, I am very confused.” He wanted something different. He had narrowly zeroed in on trying out a new job. That is really not the something different he is looking for. But he couldn’t quite see that deeper picture at that moment.

I can think of others who don’t have a career. No job at the moment. Good, capable, young people who just lack direction. They don’t know what they really want. They don’t know how to get there. They can see some of the things standing in their way. Confusion, fear, little or no sense of worth, doubt, maybe not the right education, money pressures in some cases, whatever it is. In this scenario, my young friend really wants something more than what he has created so far. He tells me it is important and urgent.

I wouldn’t really care if you wanted to live homeless under a bridge. I wouldn’t wish that for you. I wouldn’t want that for myself. But it’s your journey. Your choice. No right or wrong.

Your internal beliefs are in the way

Here is what I see most often. Mom and dad have so much pain, judgment, etc. bottled up inside of themselves, they reek of it. In the early going, dad is mad and mom’s hurt. You’re both mad and hurt, and much more. Eventually, you take on this defeated quality when it comes to your “problem child”. You don’t know what to do. You worry a lot.

You have learned not to yell at the kid. Not to nag at him too much. You love him. You want to support him. If he could just see something. If he could just find some spark.

Here is the thing. It matters a whole lot more where you are coming from than what you say or how you say it. You can utter precisely the same words. You can do your absolute best to be upbeat or whatever it is. Yet, if you are carrying fear, worry, etc. inside yourself, that energy is in the equation. It is a powerful force, spoken or not. The kid feels it. Those same words, from a place of peace, openness, and possibility. They carry that energy. The kid feels that.

I have worked with families where everything the kid experiences from his parents is on a cloud that says “This is really bad. I must be broken. I must be hopeless.”

I love getting into a conversation with the kid. It may be the first time he has ever spoken with someone who didn’t think anything is wrong! I don’t judge him or the situation as anything. I accept it as what is. My ultimate question for him is going to be: Is there something different you would like than what you have? If there is, we can create that.

The kid struggles because of his internal conversation with himself

We haven’t even gotten to the kid. Not really. He is stuck, confused, depressed, unmotivated, whatever it is. Or, he could have a good career going and is uncertain, conflicted, anxious, and more. If he’s struggling, that means career, family, behaviors, something, isn’t working. That is his outside, physical world. His reality as he sees it. Those are simply the facts.

It goes without saying that his internal beliefs and programming are not serving him. The outside world he has created correlates directly to what he has going on inside. Those internal thoughts and beliefs have him stuck. Just as your internal thoughts and beliefs have you stuck in your pain and frustration around your son. And, yours also contribute to the kid being stuck.

Ultimately, he must get clarity around all of his internal baggage. He simply has to clean it up if he is going to create the sort of life he presumably would truly desire. He absolutely will continue to struggle his entire life, until he changes thoughts and behaviors. He may be a functional struggler or a dysfunctional struggler. But, if he is all balled up inside, he is going to struggle.

Struggling kid meets parent

So, the kid is mucked up inside. Back to my two scenarios from Part IV. In Scenario 1, the parents are mucked up inside too. Muck meets muck. Pain and confusion meet pain and confusion. That won’t work so well. As parents, you want to help your son. More than anything. Yet, your pain and whatever else is accompanying you to that party. It just reinforces all of his confusion. Whatever you say, is much less powerful than the energy on which it rides.

In Scenario 2, the parents have cleared out all the hurt and frustration around the kid. They bring into the equation peace, love, understanding, hope, optimism, and more. They aren’t trying to fake it. They truly feel those feelings. They have learned to accept what is outside of them. Not to like it. Not to give up on looking to create positive change. They’ve just given up the baggage.

The kid reacts differently

Whatever is inside the kid is the same (until it changes). But what he feels coming from you is entirely different. I am not suggesting that alone is going to cause your son to suddenly be a whole other person. I am saying that you will be an infinitely stronger positive force for his growth, whatever that might be, from the place I keep describing. That is your only job at this point. It is not to fix the kid. That is outside of you and outside of your control. It is to show up in the best possible way for you and your son. Not trying to fake it. Not trying to just put on a positive face. But to fundamentally change who and how you are. And, not because you are broken or have done anything wrong. It’s because you can. Good things will follow, if you decide you want to make those shifts.

The kid

In both scenarios, the kid is exactly the same. It is really important to zero in on that one. What is outside of you is outside of you. We have limited ability to influence outside conditions and no ability to control them. A son or daughter who seems to be wasting away his or her life is a powerful example. The kid doesn’t much listen and virtually never acts on your wishes or advice. He is stalled. Or, perhaps it’s a serial start and stop pattern. Whatever the case, you see the trajectory of his life as sideways, or downward, and with a lot of pot holes along the way.

Scenario #1

Mom and dad, you, are really worried. I mean, this is serious. You were concerned when the kid was 20. Now that he’s 26, you are convinced your son is headed nowhere good. You are judging like crazy. How could this have happened? What did we do wrong? What’s wrong with him? This is really, really, bad, and getting worse. Moreover, this is just the tip of the mental and emotional iceberg. Parents’ emotions range from just worried and frustrated. Carrying around a certain sadness. Being continuously faced with a high-stakes problem they can’t solve. Emotions run from there, to mom crying herself to sleep at night.

Scenario #2

The kid, the external conditions, are exactly the same. Let’s say though you have done your healing and clearing work. Below, I am going to jump straight to the story of parents who have really figured it out. That have gotten there 100%. In reality, this takes time. Perhaps this fictitious couple in our illustration might have healed a great deal of the hurt in some months of focused “work”. Cleared out the majority of the judgments and inaccurate interpretations of reality that had been controlling them. Over time, they will clear away more and more.

And, I get that this is your son. Changing your thoughts and how you feel is not like snapping your fingers. But I know too it is entirely achievable. And, it’s critically important that you get all of this out of you, if you want to help yourself and help your child.

Lesson in acceptance

For sake of illustration, let’s say mom and dad are truly healed. You have learned to accept what is outside of you as simply what is. You don’t have to like it. You just don’t need the emotional charge and distress from it. What? You mean I could run my car into a tree and total it, and step out and just be thankful to be alive? To feel no distress, self-condemnation, or any of that? Yep. You don’t have to like it, of course. But the accident has happened. You can learn to accept that external event as what is and not beat yourself up over it.

And, I get home and find out we let the auto insurance lapse and we just lost $40,000. I could be “not upset” by that? Yes, actually I do mean that. It is just a question of how far along you are in your development. But, say it again, the wreck happened. The insurance has lapsed. You have to go buy another car. The only difference is how you choose to think about it and the feelings you get to reap.

So, if I could use these same skills. If I had this same awareness, clarity, and understanding… What are you saying? That I would have the ability to not feel bad about anything? Even something as painfully important to me as the welfare of my child? Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. That is exactly where I would want to get myself. And, to be sure, being able to be in this clear place of peace does not mean I don’t love and care about my child. Not in the least. It doesn’t mean the situation is what I would choose for myself or for him. It just means I would want to accept what is outside of me and not beat myself up over. Not judge it, at a heart level.

Why is this important?

Two reasons. First is, you need some relief. I meet parents all the time who are just feeling this weight. It’s a heavy weight, crushing at times. The cost to you is massive. What is the cost of not having joy? The stress and cost relative to marital relationships. Financial costs. Can I, as a father or mother, be my best at anything while I am carrying around the weight of what seems like my child slowly going down the tubes. How easy is it to let these bad thoughts and feelings find their way to exaggeration? Even greater cost.

I will say it again. You need some relief. You need to lower this distress and open up your own life to more good stuff.

The second reason is for the kid. You can’t get sick enough to help a sick person. Where you are coming from is always more important than what you say or do.

Whose problem is it?

If you are the one hurting or even just worried, I think it’s yours!

I most often hear from the parents first. Once we cut through it all, it may look something like this. My son has never launched. He is back at home, again, with no sense of direction. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t like the way this story is going to turn out. Dad’s mad, mom’s hurt, and you’re both worried sick. Someone said you can only be as happy as your least happy child. What is mom and dad’s level of pain? Maybe a 5 or a 6 when you are not thinking about it. It’s a 9 or a 10 when you are. In one way or another, it is your biggest heartache. The most incomplete hole in your life.

It’s the kid’s problem, right? It’s not me. It’s the kid. It’s not our fault. We have given him everything we could. We have tried everything we can think of to get him going. It’s the kid who needs to figure this out and get his life track. We aren’t the ones that need help.

Parents first

If you don’t know how to help the kid turn it around, you’d better start taking care of yourself!

How do I say this delicately? Let me turn it on myself. If I have upset, I have a problem. If I have misery, I have a problem. If I am worried, scared, ashamed, or any of the rest, I have a problem. I can promise you I would be very aware something was hanging out with me that I did not want. Every now and then some negative emotion, some upset, tries to show up my life. I know I’ve got a “school’s in session moment” going on. I can’t wait to figure out what is behind that upset and get rid of it. I have no place for any of that.

The thing is, if I am going to be torn up about something outside of me, I’m in a real jam. I can’t control what’s outside of me. My territory is inside. My own thoughts and feelings. That I can control. That I can clear and heal.

Back to you. If you are worried sick about the kid, isn’t that your problem? I know this sounds cold and detached. It’s supposed to. That thing outside of you is outside of you. It doesn’t matter if your kid is 30 and playing video games all day, if the stock market crashed, or your business is stalled out. Before you can fix anything external, at least in any sustained way, you have to first heal and clear yourself.

This is not about doing anything wrong or being a bad parent. It could be about you judging yourself as a bad parent. It could be about you judging a whole lot of things. That is what I am talking about.

Start where you can

Parents, let’s assume the kid won’t engage in anything to create change. Sometimes there is little conversation going on. Very often parents tell me they have tried everything they can think of. Nothing is working. The years tick by.

The first and the best thing you can do, especially if you aren’t getting anywhere with the kid anyway, is clear and heal yourself. Change the way you see the kid, how you hold the kid and his situation inside of yourself, and the feelings you reap from that. This is not mumbo jumbo. Parents and others do it all the time. We change our thoughts and that changes how we feel. Those shifts, in turn, change our outside worlds.

I will pick this up again in blog #4 of this series. I plan to take you through two scenarios. One where the parents are filled with pain, judgment, and all sorts of negative beliefs and emotions. All understandable, just not serving. In the second scenario, there will be none of that – within the parents, I mean. The kid’s facts are identical in each case.

Here is the punchline. By cleaning up your own internal act, the only thing you can do in the first place, you feel better. You are also in an infinitely better place from where to help your son or daughter.

Analyzing and blaming keeps him stuck

You haven’t done anything wrong. Charlie hasn’t done anything wrong. It is what it is. We humans want to understand the “What has happened here?” in excruciating detail. We spend years, and a tremendous amount of energy, trying to analyze and understand. Trying to remember and interpret. And, you blame. You figure if the kid has a problem, somebody has to be at fault. How much is the kid’ s fault? How much is your fault? How much can we pin on the first-grade teacher?

Stop it! All that is terrible idea. For starters, it’s painful. Why would anyone want to systematically inflict pain on themselves? Here’s the real point. Please hear me on this. All of this judging, analyzing, looking back at the past, and all the rest, is simply hanging on to the status quo. You and your son have these habits, these patterns, and those have a great deal more impact on his being stuck than you realize.

Who will break the logjam?

You recognize that Charlie has to pull himself up and move forward. He has to figure this out. If you could figure it out for him, you would have already. You say you would do anything to help him get his act together. You mean that. But what you’ve tried hasn’t worked. At this point, you’re tired. You worry. You pretty much continue to be the way you’ve been, and do the things you’ve been doing.

You are correct that your son is the one this is about. It is his choice, and he will have to decide he wants change in his life. He will have to commit and create that change. At the same time, you are sincere in your desire to help him. You are painfully aware of your frustrations and feelings of helplessness.

It’s Both

Speaking to you, the parents, you still have a role in your child’s success. That role just needs to play out differently than it has been. Let me share a story about a fact pattern I run into quite often. There are some really powerful insights in the story. (Those will unfold further in the next blog or two of this series.)

Perhaps the kid has worked with a therapist. Perhaps he has had experience with a life coach or mentor. None of that worked. I get an opportunity to connect with “the dad”. He and I have a relatively brief conversation, and he begins to see things a little differently. He sees possibilities that haven’t been there before. He is excited about me having a conversation with his son. Here is his initial assessment, reaction, and course of action.

“This is great! We may have stumbled on to someone who can really help. I’ve always known I would do anything to help my son. Of course, I have the resources to pay the exorbitant fee. I think my job is done here. I just need to connect Don Scott with my son and let them figure it out from here.”

This is your problem- solving programming at work in high form.

Forward progress now!

Your son, call him Charlie, is full-grown and utterly stuck. Disappointment is not your most acute emotion. It’s more than that. You’re worried. You’ve carried this pain in different ways, at varying levels, for years. You are afraid your son will never get his act together. You question him, and yourselves. All you really care about is for him to have the life you’ve dreamed of for him. You just don’t understand why nothing is happening. Notwithstanding that you can see it before your very eyes. You would do anything to help.

Finding His Own Way

Charlie, you know your parents love you. You know they want to help. They don’t understand you very well. How could they? You don’t understand yourself. Things were complicated enough being a teenager. They got a lot harder as a few years passed by. Now, you don’t really know what to do. You feel you’ve let your parents down. And, you’ve let yourself down. You really do want to find a clear direction. Yet, you have no idea what that is or how to find it. Every bit of energy coming from your mom and dad says you’re broken. That things must be really bad. That’s true no matter how carefully they choose their words or battles.

Family business owners and other high-net-worth families invariably have the decks stacked against them. Expectations seem out of reach for their kids. Not because parents have set the bar too high intentionally. But, look at what they have achieved! The kid wonders how he could ever match up. To be sure, he does not want to experience everything his dad gave up when he was charging the hill. Dad may still be charging the hill. The kid does not see himself as the same sort of hill charger.

Charlie has to find his way, not that of his parents. The past is nothing more than the path to now. I’d like to have a conversation with you, Charlie. It might be the first conversation you’ve had with someone who doesn’t believe anything is wrong. I’d like to clear away the judgment and the looking back at the past. I’d like to help you look at the future and the possibilities in front of you.

There is so much reason for hope. For excitement. The past, whatever has worked or not worked, does not need to define anything. Below are the before and after scores for someone perhaps a bit like you. He had been stuck for a long time. A good kid. Depressed.